Retirement Jokes - Chapter Two

Retirement Humor - Chapter Two starts with an Email from a site visitor:

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I washed the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

• the car isn't washed
• the bills aren't paid
• there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
• the flowers don't have enough water
• there is still only 1 check in my check book
• I can't find the remote
• I can't find my glasses
• and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

A Child's View of Retirement

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.

Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear nametags because they don't know who they are.

They go to a big building called a wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good.

There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."

My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse won't let them out.

Seven seniors, all in their eighties, were staging their bi-weekly poker game when suddenly, the guy they called “Happy” because he never smiled, and who was down more than three hundred dollars on the night, shouted “Holy Crap” and fell dead face first on the table.

There was a moment of surprised silence, then the guy next to him checked Happy’s pulse. “He’s dead.” After a quick look around the table, he added “Happy folds.”

All six shuffled their way to a standing position in honor of their fallen poker buddy and in an unanimous vote, decided it was only fitting to finish the hand.

As the cards were being shuffled for the next hand the guy they called, “Big Dave”, because he stooped to only five foot one, suggested that someone had to tell Happy’s wife Dora. As no one volunteered, they decided to draw cards – the lowest had to communicate the bad news.

The guy they called “Sammy” because his name was Samuel, drew a two of spades – he would be the messenger.

”For god’s sake take it easy when you tell Dora – don’t be too direct -ease into it.” ordered the guy they called “Hammer” because he has a permanent blue coloured finger after smashing it with a hammer some ten years ago.

After the game had wrapped up for the night, Sammy went over to see Dora. When she answered the door, Sammy, in a soft apologetic voice said, “Happy just lost three hundred dollars in the Poker game."

”Tell him to drop dead.”Dora sreamed.

”I’ll deliver the message.”

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
  
• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
  
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  
• When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
  
• Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
  
• Take naps.
  
• Stretch before rising.
  
• Run, romp, and play daily.
  
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  
• On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
  
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
  
• When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  
• No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout..! run right back and make friends.
  
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
  
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
  
• Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
  
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, Hello, son, is your Grandma home?

The little boy replied, Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.

The minister fainted!

NEXT - For women only

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