Retirement Humor and tips on how to "lighten up" and add years to your life and life to your years.
  
I admit this retirement humor chapter may not contain classics, but I use these retirement joke contributions to emphasize the value of the term “lighten up.”
As you will note at the bottom of this page, I have seven pages donated to retirement humor with more to come, so please plan on return visits - the best way is click on the RSS button so you will be advised when new material is published. However,new material sent in by visitors to this site,
always lead the contributor's page -
and I thank them for taking the time to assist us in building this retirement humor chapter and for helping us - Laugh it up.
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Retirement Humor - YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN! -
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
-
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
- I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
- I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
- And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out husband’s WW2 pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart and to make sure she wouldn’t miss the vital organ she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast.
"Later that night........
Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Retirement golf - Part One
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old-timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old-timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old-timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old-timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Ahhhh .. . . the Florida Biker Dude and his Babe
A recent study indicated that
you can even lose weight by laughing.
Retirement humor on the Golf CourseA senior couple out on their retirement park golf course paused for a drink of water on the fifth tee. Out of blue, husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation;
I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me." The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit!
He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul... and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees?!" Some things are sacred.
The following retirement humor chapters are ever-changing as more contributions arrive. The content centers mostly on the fun of retirement, growing old, what used to be etc. such as;
- Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~ Herbert Henry Asquith
- I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope
- We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ Will Rogers
- Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Winston Churchill
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Phyllis Diller
- The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~ Unknown
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~ Billy Crystal
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Retirement humor quickies ---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. --- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." --- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it? --- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. --- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." ---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Retirement Humor - A SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO ALL THE GIRLS WE'VE LOVED BEFORE...
How's This For Depressing? - Brigette Bardot 71 - Stella Stevens 68 - Sophia Loren 71 - Gina Lollobrigida 78 - Deborah Kerr 94 - Lena Horne 88 – Kay Starr 83 - Patti Page 78 - Annette Funicello 63 - Barbara Eden 71 - Angie Dickenson 74 - Doris Day 81 - Joan Collins 72 – Julie Christie 64 - Leslie Caron 74 - Carroll Baker 74 = Ann-Margret 64 - Debra Padget 72 - Julie Andrews 70 - Ursula Andress 69 - Rita Moreno 74 - Jean Simmons 76 - Julie Newmar 72 - - Kim Novak 72 - Jane Powell 76 - Debbie Reynolds 73 - Shirley Temple 77 - Jane Russell 84 - Kathryn Grayson 83 – Esther Williams 82 - Elke Sommer 65 - Gale Storm 83 - Jill St. John 65 - Liz Taylor 73 - Mamie Van Doren 74 - UNBELIEVABLE, HOW IN THE WORLD DID THEY GET OLD AND WE DIDN'T?
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town exclaiming, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring about the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We were at the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, '"That's once.'"
We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing my wife to drop her canteen of water. Once more my wife quietly said, '"That's twice.'"
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, '"What the hell is wrong with you? Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, '"That's once.'"
And from that moment on... we have lived happily ever after."
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER - 1. Sag, you're It.
- 2. Hide and go pee.
- 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
- 4. Kick the bucket
- 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
- 6. Musical recliners.
- 7. Simon says……something incoherent.
- 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: - 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
- 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
- 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN: - 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
- 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend: - Someone admires your alligator shoes and you are barefoot.
- Your husband says: 'hey, let's go upstairs and make love.' And you reply: 'pick one, I can't do both.'
- I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
- Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
- Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
- My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Retirement humor – Chapter one;
To all the kids who survived the 1930’s 40’s 50’s - Jacob and Rebecca decide to marry -
Ever had one of those days? - Women in leather - Male or female nouns – from the Washington Post - Life before computers - “Surely I can’t look that old?”
Retirement humor – Chapter Two;
A childs view of Retirement/The poker game.
Retirement Humor - Chapter Three;
For women only
Retirement Humor - Chapter Four
For men only.
Retirement Humor - Chapter Five;
Grandma learns to Email - The Cruise
Retirement Humor - Contributors Page
Have a retirement joke to spare? Use the form below to pass on a smile and a laugh.
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