Retirement Humor from Those who have Frequented this Chapter.

Retirement Humor Contributor: Bernice Dini - Zephyrhills, Florida

Martha’s Way	Granny Maxine’s Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.	Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.	Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.	Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."	If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.	Celery? Never heard of it!
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.	The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.	Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.	Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.	Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

Retirement Humor Contributor: Jim Hill - Halifax, NS:

Dorothy, Edna and Jack

Edna: "Well . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there, but a luxury car , a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner - a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Retirement Humor Contributor: Julie Wright – Barrie, Ont.:

Ethel and Mabel

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Class Reunion

It was quite an affair; the whole class was there. It was held at a fancy hotel.
We dined, and we dined, and we acted refined, And everyone thought it was swell.
The men all conversed about who had been first To achieve great fortune and fame.
Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses And how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean, Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.
The jocks who were there had all lost their hair, And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain; She married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed" Was serving ten years in the pen,
While the one voted "least" now was a priest; Just shows you can be wrong now and then.
They awarded a prize to one of the guys Who seemed to have aged the least.
Another was given to the grad who had driven The farthest to attend the feast.
They took a class picture, a curious mixture Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.
Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini; You never saw so many thighs.

At our next get-together, no one cared whether They impressed their classmates or not.
The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal; By this time we'd all gone to pot.
It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores; We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.
Then most of us lay around in the shade, In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear, We were definitely over the hill.
Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed, And be home in time for their pill.
And now I can't wait; they've set the date; Our fiftieth is coming, I'm told.
It should be a ball, they've rented a hall At the Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my hearing aid; My pacemaker's been turned up on high.
My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled; And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.
I'm feeling quite hearty, and I'm ready to party I'm gonna dance 'til dawn's early light.

It'll be lots of fun; But I just hope that there's one other person who can make it that night.
Author Unknown

Retirement Humor Contributor: Elma Hickman - Halifax, NS:

A Retirement Problem

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

"Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.
They had just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asked. She answered, "Because I'm dead.”

The husband asked…"What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"
She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Retirement Humor Contributor: Dan Dombroski - Zephyrhills, Florida:

ITALIAN COOKIES.

For all the Italians out there, or those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, or even to be friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing! on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, t he wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

Retirement Humor Contributor: Carol Raycraft:

A detective story for retirees.

Pay Close Attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of booze into the ball park.

The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely... mixng the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think!

Think some more!!

You're gonna love it

Answer:

It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!

Retirement Humor contributor: Julie Wright: Barrie, Ont.

The memorial stone

The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

Canadian Women

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed at their house.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a Little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

Retirement humor Contributor: Jim Hill, Waverley, Nova Scotia

Getting Old is OK

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
”Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down? she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment "Where's my toast?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"Nope," he replied, "Arthritis.

Retirement Humor Contributor: B. Ozard: Edmonton Alberta

You gotta love them

A very self-important college freshman at a recent USC football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.
"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young people today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon,our spaceships have visited Mars... We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh."
Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the “wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we were young...so we invented them - you arrogant little grunt - Now....what are you doing for the next generation??"
I love senior citizens

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well - if something happens to me - your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life?
"" Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire - my second marriage was to an actor - my third marriage was to a preacher - and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money - two for the show - three to get ready - and four to go.

Retirement Humor Contributor: D. Dombroski,Zephyrhills.florida
For this latest addition -

I'm a senior and proud of it - I think

New Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: a Beer

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Signature: ___________________________

Date: ___________________________

Retirement humor Contributor: J. Wright: Barrie, Ontario

Old, but still has the smarts

An elderly man in Florida, named Bob, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening Bob decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Bob frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Retirement Humor Contributor: J.Hill: Halifax N.S

Don’t you Just Love Old People?

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feedstore/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

contributor: G.Wright, Barrie, Ontario

Top 20 reasons to like being over 50.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

Retirement Humor Contributor: B. Ozard: Edmonton Alberta

Gotta Love Grandma

When the three year boy opened the birthday gift from Grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink to load up.
His father was not pleased and turned to his mother and said, “I’m surprised at you, don’t you remember how I used to drive you crazy with water guns?
His mother smiled and then replied…..”Oh yes, I remember.”

”OH Grandma I’m so glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother’s side. “Now maybe daddy will do that trick he was promising us.”
”Oh what trick is that,” asked the curious grandmother.
”I heard him tell mommy the other day that he would climb the walls if you came to visit.”

Retirement Humor Contributor: D. Dombroski, Zephyrhills.florida

A Retiree Figures Out the Game of Golf

• I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
• Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
• If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble
• Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
• Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls."
• Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
• The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
• A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
• If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
• Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
• Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work .. and both are expensive.
• The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
• In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers... they shoot a six, yell fore and write five.
• If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf ... it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.
• "The greatest sound in golf is the Woosh, Woosh, Woosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway"

Retirement Humor Contributor: T&T Grace: Barrie, Ont.

Little Blue Pill

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes

Women’s Ass Study

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
5% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

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