Retirement Jokes - Chapter One

Retirement Jokes - Chapter One

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's!!

• First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
  
• They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
  
• Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
  
• We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
  
• As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
  
• Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
  
• We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
  
• We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
  
• We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
  
• We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
  
• No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
  
• We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
  
• We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
  
• We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
  
• We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
  
• We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
  
• We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
  
• Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
  
• The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
  
• This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
  
• The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned ....HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
  
• And YOUare one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.And while you're at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

Ever had one of those days?

It was my birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me .

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, my secretary said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, think I'll go into the bedroom."

"Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there.........

on the couch... naked.

Because she smells like a new truck

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider,it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

And if you had a 3 inch floppy...

...you just hoped nobody ever found out!

Do you remember when...

• It took five minutes for the TV warm up? Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home from school?
  
• When a quarter was a decent allowance?
  
• All your male teachers wore ties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
  
• You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air?
  
• It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
  
• They threatened to keep kids back a year if they failed. . .and they did?
  
• Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ......"
  
• Family Sunday drives?
  
• Stuff from the shop came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
  
• And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?
  
• When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
  
• Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
  
• Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?

  How many of these do you remember?
  

• Lolly cigarettes, pogo sticks, marbles, Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tops (that lifted when the cream froze in winter), Newsreels before the movie, 45 RPM records, Metal ice cubes trays with levers, Mimeograph paper, Toy cap pistols. Drive ins, Washtub wringers , Reel-To-Reel tape recorders, Houses made of cards, Tinker toys made of wood. That awful pink slab of bubble gum.

  Do you remember a time when...
  

• "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
• It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
  
• Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
  
• Placing playing cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
  
• Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?

  If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!

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  You know you're getting older when -
  • You finally find something you’ve been looking for ages, but now you can’t remember why.

  • You finally reach the toilet but your forgot what you wanted to do – then when you finally remember you realize it’s taking you five minutes to do what used to take you thirty seconds.

  • The gleam in your eye is the sun hitting your bifocals.

  • You feel like you’ve been out all night but you haven’t been anywhere.

  • You have too much room in the house but not enough in the medicine cabinet.

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Seniors Dress Code

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

• A nose ring and bifocals
• Spiked hair and bald spots
• A pierced tongue and dentures>li>Miniskirts and support hose
• Ankle bracelets and corn pads
• Speedo's and cellulite
• A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
• Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
• Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
• Bikinis and liver spots
• Short shorts and varicose veins
• Inline skates and a walker
• And last, but not least . my personal favorite:
• Thongs and Depends

  Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

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NEXT - Chapter Two A childs view of retirement/The poker game.

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