February 18, 2009 - Big Ben and Me - I Once Had the Moves, But No More - Interesting Links
A number of entries ago I promised not to continue my rant against the brain-dead who drive their vehicles while using cell phones - sorry, I have to renege because I believe I now know what will cause me to walk into the bright light - I will be whacked, while driving my car, by some door-knob driving and talking on his or her cell phone - let’s face it - four near misses over a three year span - that has to be some kind of indicator.
The most recent close encounter was the scariest - I’m driving along a two lane highway - everything is peaches - four cars in front me, everyone obeying the two-car back thing - the lead car gives plenty of warning that he wants to make a right turn - we all slow down - then I hear a weird noise - I look in my rear view mirror to see a massive, custom- made, high-rise ballooned-tired pickup truck bearing down on me - at the last second, just as I hissed "Oh Fudge" - the driver pulls to the right, and, listing hard to starboard as his left tires are running on the shoulder and the right tires are blazing a trail through a gully - he thunders past me and the car in front, missing us by mere inches and stops.
He’s talking on his cell phone - it appears he never paused in his conversation - therefore he must have worked his off-road manoeuvre with one hand.
The grey-haired driver in the car in front of me had an open-mouth stare that indicated he was considering a U-turn to return home for a change of underwear - I know I was.
Traffic started to move - the pickup nudged forward to get back on the highway - the driver in front of me gunned it and, using the other lane to give the pickup plenty of space, roared away. The pickup guy inched forward - still talking on his cell phone while staring me down.
Two things here before you criticize me for giving way to a nimrod - first, in this case - size does matter and secondly, this is Florida and odds are he’s packing.
So, he’s off, yapping away on his cell as if nothing happened while I follow wondering what he would be saying if he had rolled over me.
"Now, Lucy Mae I’m just meetin’ up with Jim Bob to snare some possum and maybe bag a couple of rabbits and then I’ll head straight to the double wide to pick you up and………Whoa there - now that’s a sumbitch - guess what Hon, Big Ben just rolled over a Honda and that damn Jap trash crumbled faster than a cardboard box in a rainstorm.
Nah, I’m Ok Sweet Pea - wasn’t much a bump - the other guy? I’m on top of ‘em- can’t see ‘em - hold on I’ll back up Big Ben a bit - dang, Big Ben caught on to somethin’ - lookee there -the roof is peeling back - hell, it’s like opening a tin of soup.
OK, I see ‘em - he’s an old guy - no darlin’ - he’s a goner - There’s tire marks running down the back of his shirt - looks like Big Ben’s front left got ‘em when I pulled back.
But ya should see this Lucy Mae, his arm restin’ on the air bag and his middle finger is pointing straight up just like you did last Tuesday when I got ya that reconditioned vacuum cleaner from the flea market for your birthday.
Hold on darlin’ - State Trooper just pulled up - well damn, how about that, if it ain’t old Harley Chisholm - you remember Harley don’t ya darlin’ - remember the time me, Harley and Bubba Howard stole your clothes when you and the Crosley twins were skinning dippin’ in the sink hole on old Buck Bennett’s farm - damn those were good times.
Stay with me Lucy Mae, I’m goin’ to jump down and talk to Harley.
Hey Harley, how they hangin’? - Na, I’m OK - just as told Lucy Mae, hardly felt the bump - nothing’ like the time you and me swiped your daddy’s pickup up after he passed out and we drove up Blue Ridge mountain to get some moonshine - now that was a bumpy ride - Damn, they were good times.
The other guy? Don’t know who - Old fella - got tattooed by Big Ben’s left front - you want to take a look at ‘em ya can either jump up into Big Blue and look down or lie flat on your stomach on the highway and peek through that slot down there - hold on - what‘s that Darlin‘ - Ok I‘ll ask ‘em - Harley, Lucy Mae want to know if ya all like to come over for dinner - Possum stew, black eyed peas and loads of grits.
Harley says Hey to that sweet thing - may be awhile though - gonna be a big, messy job getting that old guy out of that Honda.
Anyway, I can’t understand why governments are so slow in passing a driving-no-cell-phone law. Here in the States, the national Safety Council wants to ban motorists from using cell phones - it’s my understanding that at this writing, there are only six states who have such a law - in my home country Quebec, Newfoundland, Nova Scotia—and soon, Ontario and Manitoba—have enacted some form of no cell phone while driving laws.
The Harvard Center for Risk Analysis reports that 6% of vehicle wrecks, causing about 2,600 deaths and 12,000 serious injuries a year, are attributable to use of cell phones.
So folks email your local Politian and tell them to get their butts out of the trunk and do something about this - remember, the life you save could be mine.
The word for to day: Liquidity - When you look at your investments and wet your pants.
Check this out - I only know that this upcoming video was produced by a fella named Dick - lives in Canada - and whose YouTube handle is "djwarkentin" - according to the info he provided, he composed this big band number and then edited public domain videos and he did a fantastic job - and to think - back during my teen age years in the 40’s - Balmy Beach Canoe Club, East-end Toronto, I could move like this - I could toss the gal over my shoulder and pull her through my legs without injury - Damn, those were great days.
Now, when the CIC and I jitterbug at the senior dances it‘s like watching in slow motion and certainly no-one goes airborne.
Anyway, Dick, wherever you are in the Dominion, great job and thanks for the memories.
My thanks to retired buddy Joanne Raycraft for sending in this link - one of the more interesting sites I have seen. Just put your mouse on a city anywhere in the world and the newspaper headlines pop up.
Also, if you look at the European papers, the far left side of Germany will pop up as The Stars & Stripes (European edition, of course). and, this site changes everyday with the publication of new editions of the paper.
While on the subject of foreign newspapers. I came across an interesting piece in the Irish Times on the importance of maintaining a positive attitude during the global economic downturn.
You will only see a quote like this in a European newspaper - straight to the point - In the book, Grabbing the Oyster, Pearce Flannery, who made his name offering advice to the Irish motor industry, serves up several anecdotes and advice.
"Dispense with arseholes. Stay away from them, ignore them and, whatever you do, do not listen to them. They will suck the life force out of you. This cannot be overstated. Negative people are to be avoided as much as is practically possible."
"If you can't say anything positive, don't say anything at all," says Flannery, and he suggests using positive affirmations to acquire a positive mindset. Giving an example of his own affirmation, he writes, "Pearce Flannery is now writing the best book ever to be written on the subject of Irish business personalities."
You might be intested in checking out the Postive thinking chapter on the home web site - Click here - Opens New Window.
My thanks to retired buddy Linda Ardoino for submitting today’ kicker.
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Now, let's get to work on our creative retirement job - start with the following link.
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