Positive, Productive, Profitable Retirement News

My 87 year old brother just passed his reexamination drivers test - in just over a year I'll have to take my "old age" driver's test.

There's been a great deal of talk in the media in this neck of the woods recently about the need to have older drivers reexamined on an annual basis - I think it's a good idea - if you're 90 years old and can still handle the action, good for you - but if you're slow on the brake pedal or everything ten feet in front of the hood is a blur it's time to be a passenger.

But there's another test I think all drivers, regardless of age should have to take - the authorities should come up with some kind of psychological test to gauge road rage reaction.

I don't know if the moon is full or it's just a Florida thing, but from personal observations and media reports, it seems folks are becoming a lot less tolerant when they get behind the wheel.

Now, I see that a couple of internet entrepreneurs are cashing in on driver's frustrations with websites that allow victims of obnoxious drivers to vent their anger.
Platewire.com developed by a guy in Fairfax Virginia, allows you to post license plate numbers of drivers who tick you off, along with your comments - watch it - not everyone uses family type language - apparently this site is so successful they've just opened up a Canadian site.

For those of you who may have a death wish there are sites offering road rage cards that you hold up to the window as you pass the offending driver - to me, you might as well give the other driver the finger salute and paint a bull's-eye on your forehead.

Another site has a "license plate billboard" that allows you to display four different greetings on a small LED sign tucked under a rear license plate - but if you really want to get creative, you can buy a model which plugs into a cigarette lighter and comes with a small keyboard that allows you to type any message on an electronic display board mounted inside your rear window - I don't think so - not in Florida that's for damn sure - even retirees carry guns.

Fairley Mahlum, spokeswoman for the AAA Foundation-for Traffic Safety, says these are all terrible ideas - "Your job is not to teach others how to drive - your job is to get to your destination. By responding and reacting, you are being just as aggressive." The cops say the same thing - Don't react. Don't escalate - stay cool and look straight ahead.

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Here's our Retirement News tally of unusual facts we learned from wandering the world wide web this week.

Examples -

• A study of when new words became common during the past century has had some surprising findings, such as the word "celebs" being used in 1913 - the word "sex" meaning sexual intercourse being first used in 1929 - "mobile phone" dating from 1945 - the word "electricity" was first used in English in about 1600 by Elizabeth Ist physician.

• Brussels sprouts have three times as much vitamin C as oranges.

• Poets die young... "On average, poets lived 62 years, playwrights 63 years, novelists 66 years and non-fiction writers lived 68 years," according to California State University's James Kaufman.

• More than 1.2 million people die in traffic accidents worldwide each year. The first was Bridget Driscoll, knocked down by a car travelling at 12mph in London on 17 August 1896. The coroner recorded a verdict of accidental death, and warned: "This must never happen again."

• Here's another curious fact to ponder: For those reading this who are 50 years old - the light that reaches us from some of the stars in the galaxy left those stars before you were born.

• The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb

The above were taken from one of my favourite sites - the BBC home page.

From other sources;

• A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
• There are still about 100m undiscovered landmines in the world, just waiting to go off
• Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
• You could try the following to liven up a dull party - A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
• It is impossible to lick your elbow.

Ya gotta love the internet.

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Have a great weekend and why not spend sometime looking at this video - it could be the beginning of a creative retirement job that will make your life more interesting the longer you live - (Go to URL)

To reference this entry please copy the url in this link: (Permalink)

December 4, 2006 - No matter what your age, get it right - you know you're over the hill when.......

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. - Dave Barry

Every man of retirement age - even those who have been married for decades, has learned - many the hard way - that you have to get it right or face an extended period of sad-eyed glances and wordless isolation.

Next to the all important anniversary gift , buying the right Christmas present for your better half is an annual challenge that, according to a recent BizRate poll, causes 48% of men - "feelings of inadequacy, confusion and anxiety."

Jean Chatzky of Money Magazine offers the following tips to help guys get it right for Mz. Right - and although this is directed to males of retirement age - pass it on to your sons - help educate them that oven mitts, vacuum cleaners, hair blowers and bathroom scales mean only trouble - big trouble.

Here is Mz Chatzky's gift shopping tip list for retired guys and those who follow -

• Talk to her friends. They know what's on her list. They know in what color. They know in what size.

• Look for clues around the house. If a woman keeps a catalog or a magazine, chances are pretty good she likes something inside it.

• Pay attention. We drag you on extended shopping trips as often as you'll allow it and each time we admire at least a few things. If we point out something March, we'll be very impressed if you remember it in December.

• Write it down. When you get a bright idea, jot it down so you won't forget.

  EDITOR'S NOTE - The next two tips call for a visit to the Retirement Shopping mall.

• Go where she goes. In the early days of Internet shopping, men dominated the marketplaces. Women have since taken over. If your gal is a consistent online shopper, you've got a road map of where she's been most often: Her computer's history.

• Stick to familiar Web sites and brands, particularly for expensive purchases. The best part of the deal? Almost every online retailer will wrap the present for you. Imagine that time and frustration that will save you.

• Avoid utility. We may need a kitchen appliance, a microwave, a hand-held blender, a new vacuum. If you bought us one on a rainy Sunday afternoon mall crawl, just because, we'd rave about how unbelievably thoughtful we thought you were. But on the holidays? No thanks.

• Don't overlook electronics. You may think we'll think they're not romantic or personal enough, but that little MP3 player is pretty sexy (especially if you load it up with special tunes).

• No gift cards. Not today. Not ever. That "putting some thought into a present" thing is the reason for my personal ban on gift cards of all sorts. These little pieces of plastic, no matter how much you spend or where they come from, spell cop-out to me.

• No pouting if we return something. Here's the bottom line: We'd love you to buy us something that we truly love. But if you miss, understand we will do our best to give you ample credit for trying.A guilt trip for a misstep -"I'm never buying you another handbag again!" - takes all the fun out of the scenario for both you and for us. You're better off if you chalk it up to practice makes perfect.

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My thanks to retired neighbour, Tom Adams for the following.
Are you Over the Hill? You may be if . . .

• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
• You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
• You and your teeth don't sleep together.
• Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
• Your back goes out but you stay home.
• Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• You wake up looking like your driver's license photo.
• It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
• When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
• When happy hour is a nap.
• You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
• Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
• It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
• The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
• Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

But always remember - Over the hill, or not, you have a great deal of experience to share - build yourself a creative retirement job - here's how - (Go to URL)

To reference this entry please copy the url in this link: (Permalink)

December 5, 2006 - Positive retirement - separate bills and retirement counseling

"Three-quarters of what we think are negative, frightening thoughts, and those directly affect out bodies." -
Joan Borysenko, former Director of the Mind/Body clinic, Harvard University.

Mz. Borysenko, authour of such books as "Minding the Body, Mending the Mind" says most negative thoughts are about the future or the past so we can help our health by learning to stay focused on the present.

She recommends any activity that "keeps your attention pleasantly anchored in the present moment." - and one of her examples ties right in with the creative retirement job theme of this Blog and the host website -

"Anything creative, whether it's knitting a sweater, writing in a journal or painting a border on your bedroom wall, reduces stress and gives you the opportunity to be mindful" - as will a creative retirement job via the internet.

Mz. Borysenko also points out that learning to cope with stress can make a big difference in your health. The simplest way is to learn how to breathe properly.

"There's a direct correlation between heart rate and breathing - if you breathe properly - from your belly - you bring in the right amount of oxygen, enabling your heart to beat more slowly. Breathing from your chest (a.k.a, shallow breathing) is much more stressful. It raises your heart rate, alerting your brain that you're in a stressful situation."

Sadly, studies show that many in their retirement years just give up on the idea of changing how they think and feel - "too old now" is their mind-set - that's unfortunate and completely untrue - you're never too old to change directions and the best way to turn your life around is to focus on some sort of creative challenge - remember -

"Anything creative, whether it's knitting a sweater, writing in a journal or painting a border on your bedroom wall, reduces stress and gives you the opportunity to be mindful"

Take a moment to scan this page on the home website.

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When two or more retired couples go out to dinner together, the first rule is to ask the waiter or waitress for separate bills - it's a retirement thing - common courtesy - no matter how much you may have in the bank, the other retired couple may be working on a tight retirement budget - even splitting the bill equally is not a good idea.

It turns out this is a good thing for the server- according to a survey conducted by Washington University in St. Louis - a single $150.00 bill will result in a smaller percentage tip than six individual bills of $25.00 each.

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Thanks to retired buddy Carol Raycraft for sending the following - First, drawing a woman from the inside out - intriguing stuff

Retirement humour -

He had retired ten years earlier - and that may have been one of the reasons they decided to go to counseling after 45 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 45 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on about their retirement years - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The retired husband thought for a moment and replied - "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

Now let's explore all the possibilities of building a creative retirement job - (Go to URL)

To reference this entry please copy the url in this link: (Permalink)

December 6, 2006 - Retirement memories and tests - fun stuff

I have to be honest with you, today is what I'm calling retirement video day because that's how I spent most of my research time yesterday - watching videos and playing games - therefore it's the only thing I have to offer this morning.

As noted previously, humourist Dave Barry is one of my favourite columnists - (Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.)

I'm not the only Barry fan - a fellow by the name of Bennett Haselton has developed the The Automated Dave Barry Column Generator - you fill in the blanks with names of your friends, favorite silly adjectives, etc. and you'll be presented with your own story, as if actually written by Pulitzer Prize Dave.

Can you spot the fake smile?

This University of California psychological research visual quiz features 20 faces - double click to see the smile - then decide if it's real or fake - I was just over 70% - according to this BBC human body page "Most people are surprisingly bad at spotting fake smiles - one possible explanation for this is that it may be easier for people to get along if they don't always know what others are really feeling."

Now some video blasts from the past - for me, revisiting these old shows is a retirement moral booster - memories of good times and, as you look at the faces of those no longer with us - a reminder that "For everything there is a season."

Remember the tomahawk incident on the Johnny Carson show? April 29, 1965, the biggest laugh of Carson's 30 years on the show

Here's Carson as a politician - taking a lie detector test.

From 1965 to 1974, The Dean Martin Show followed by The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts 1974 - 1984 - were a fixture on the NBC Thursday night lineup.
For me one of my favourite contributors was the late Foster Brooks who played the "Lovable Lush character - usually portrayed as a conventioneer who had a few too many drinks-not completely falling-down drunk, but inebriated enough that he would mix up his words to comedic delight."

Here are video clips from each show - First, Brooks meeting with Dean in a local bar.

Now Brooks during a Dean Martin Roast for Don Rickles.

Have a fun day - now let's get to work on our creative retirement job - (Go to URL)

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December 7, 2006 - Retirement shopping and 65 years ago the Pearl Harbor newsreel

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
It's a whole different way of thinking. - Elayne Boosler

As noted elsewhere in this Blog, I'm a confirmed online shopper - no crowded parking lots and shopping malls - I don't have to shave and change into "street" clothes - my coffee never gets cold. - its a retirement thing.

However, I'm also married which means I'm duty bound to escort my wife to the Mall when commanded to do so and yesterday I received my marching orders.

Now, I have to be honest here - my duties consist only of driving to the mall - Audrey refuses to shop with me under any circumstances - this assignment is timed to a movie timetable - I see a movie while she shops - a win-win arrangement. (Yes, Daniel Craig is the best James Bond since Sean Connery and Casino Royale is a four bell winner.)

But it's the walk through the mall that convinces me that only those who can endure child birth can survive in this environment - the crowds - the long lines waiting to cash out or to use the dressing rooms - the audacity to carry a pile of clothing to the change room, try them all on and purchase nothing.

It was therefore surprising to me to see the results of a "standing in line" survey taken by the folks at Visa.They did not give a male/female shopper breakdown, but I assume the ladies outnumbered the men and look at the results -

• 42 percent of customers would eagerly swap cleaning their bathroom for standing in line.
• One in five would rather wait in traffic than wait in line.
• 18 percent prefer going to the dentist, whereas 12 percent would choose to be stuck in an elevator.
• To make time tick by while waiting, 45 percent watched people pass by, while 44 percent read or listened to music. Nearly three in 10 made new friends, and 19 percent made a date.
• Nearly one-quarter added more items to their shopping cart, but 32 percent left without buying a thing.
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  The trouble with retirement is
  you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons

  A new survey shows that baby Boomers don't want to take a day off and many of them are looking for retirement jobs that offer something different - a retirement job that take them in a new direction - this is an NBC news clip (you have to watch a short commercial first)

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  "We are seeing the passing of a generation." - Daniel Martinez, chief historian at the USS Arizona Memorial.

  December 7th - 65 years ago - the attack on Pearl Harbor - today the survivors, who return every five years for a reunion, are now in their 80s or 90s and are not counting on a 70th reunion. About 500 of them, along with 1,300 family members, have made every effort to report for one final roll call today.

  Mai Middlesworth, president of the Pearl Harbor Survivors Association, now an 83 year old retiree from Upland California and who was on Dec 7 1941 an 18-year-old Marine on the USS San Francisco, put it this way - "It's going to be something that we'll cherish forever - we're like the dodo bird. We're almost extinct."

  Here's a look back with the 1941 newsreel report - The News Parade - Attack on Pearl Harbor (25 minutes)

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  Now let's check out more creative retirement job ideas - (Go to URL)

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December 8, 2006 - A Christmas card and retirement speeches

My thanks to retired neighbour Dan Dombroski for sending Retirement news this holiday greeting

The other day a neighbour told me his son, who was about to retire at the age of 55, was having trouble with his retirement speech and did I have any helpful suggestions.

I explained I didn't have an opportunity to make my retirement speech so I wasn't an expert on the "retirement" subject but in the general "speech" category, the number one rule is keep it brief.

When I Googled "retirement speeches" I came across this suggested opening -

"Today reminds me of the time when Governor Swanson of Virginia made a long and rambling speech.
Afterwards a woman came up to him to shake his hand. "How did you like my speech?" he asked. She answered, "I liked it fine, but it seems to me that you missed several excellent opportunities."

"Several excellent opportunities to do what?" Swanson asked.

"To quit" she replied.

And so today is my time to quit. And I'm sure that there may be some in the audience that may have felt that I have missed some excellent opportunities, but now is my time to retire..."

Another good idea is to lace your copy with suitable quotations and one-liners - examples -

• "It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man" Scott Elledge
• "The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does" Anonymous
• A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age - Anon
• There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire! - Groucho Marx
• "When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch" R C Sherriff
• "Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save" Will Rogers
• Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. Jim Bishop
• "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." Charles Lamb
• "When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully at the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us" Alexander Graham Bell
• And my favourite -

  "Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime
  We'll take the best, forget the rest
  And someday we'll find these are the best of times..."
  song "best of times" by Styx

My web search also found this Brit Site that has a couple of retirement speech examples you could work around.

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Computer age advice

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, NHL 6.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

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Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Now let's get to work on our creative retirement Jobs - (Go to URL)

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December 11, 2006 - Presents for the grandkids - Kids say the darndest things - a retirement job opportunity

I recently conducted a small non-scientific survey of retired friends and neighbours and asked them who, in their family, was the hardest to shop for - the hands down topper was teenage grandchildren.

While toweling himself at poolside, Eddie commented he can't keep up with his teenage grandchildren likes and dislikes - their interests change faster then the weather.

Well, if you're in the teenage bind here's the good news - according to a new study, the kids prefer - gift cards.
The vast majority of those surveyed said that gift cards gives them all kinds of options.

Here's some of the grandchildren gift card ideas from 15 year old Taylor Glogowski -

• Video Rental - For just $10, $25 or $50 you could give a deserving teen or tween the gift of entertainment with all the latest movies.
• Movies - movie theatre gift cards are a good gift and can be used for tickets and concessions. A gift card worth $15 to $20 is enough to buy a ticket, a soft drink and popcorn.
• Gas: with high gas prices a card to buy fuel at a local station is a perfect gift for any teen with wheels.
• iTunes - the perfect gift for any tween or teen with a love for music and movies - you can select an iTunes gift card for any amount from $10 to $500.
• Any Electronic Store - a great gift card to get for kids of any age - these stores have thousands of video games, CDs and other electronics like stereos and TVs.
• The obvious - ask you son or daughter where the grandkids like to do their clothes shopping or where they would like to shop if they had the money.

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Now some fun material from grandchildren of a younger age.

Remember Art Linkletter's "Kids say the Darndest Things" interviews? They produced a library of classic comments. (TRIVIA - Linkletter was a Canadian - born July 17th 1912 in Moose Jaw Saskatchewan)

For those of you too young to know who I'm talking about - here's Linkletter's Wikipedia bio

And in the Linkletter tradition - My thanks to retired neighbour Tom Adams for sending this - the teacher asked - the kids gave their answers - -

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming - at least that's what my dad says. -- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that - - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

And the #1 Favorite is.......

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10

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Think about it - If you can digitize it, you can sell it.

This was the newspaper headline -

"Selling on the Net is wide open, but Web guru says a prescription is needed for success."

The accompanying article told the story of Dr. Ken Evoy, the president of Site Build It who is regarded as one of the top experts in the world when it comes to showing regular folks how to build a home-based e-business on the Internet.

Doc Evoy is the guy who took me by the hand and guided me to my creative retirement job as he did for Shaun Fawcett, a retired civil servant bureaucrat and who, like me, knew absolutely nothing about Ecommerce at the start.
However, Shaun has left me far behind on the success scale - this guy is making big bucks while he sleeps selling E-books.

His is an amazing story that can you can use as a blueprint for building your own creative retirement job by selling your knowledge via E-books, videos, CD's, DVD's - dealing with subjects you're passionate about - It only takes a minute - this could be your lucky day - (Go to URL)

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December 12, 2006 - Old-old we're not - web wanderings and what are senior citizens worth?

"Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.
We grow old by deserting our ideals.
Years may wrinkle the skin,
but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul." -
Samuel Ullman

I stumbled.
Here I am dedicated to the promotion of an active and creative retirement, but when a friend and former colleague suggests I undertake a special assignment I played the "too old" card - what a load of do-do.

The truth is my hesitation comes from a combination of being gun-shy about the work load - the hours of research required - plus doubts about the feasibility of the project.
But why didn't I just admit to that instead of this "too old' crap - because that's the easy way out - an excuse we know will be easily accepted because the other person, most likely, also believes this "too old" myth - most people do, especially the young.

One group that I believe is responsible for this kind of thinking is the social gerontologists who, "rather than "lumping" everyone past a certain age as "old," make a distinction between the "young-old" (ages fifty-five to seventy-four) and the "old-old" (ages seventy-five and older). Still other gerontologists add a "middle-old" category between the young-old and the old-old categories" - that quote from The Ohio Department of Aging.

Old-old - what a put-down in an age where " once it was unusual for families to have three living generations, now it is not unusual for families to have four living generations.
Many persons experience full lives for two to four decades past 60 years of age." - again from the Ohio Department of Aging>

You do not have to be old-old that's for damn sure - as a matter of fact I would like to have the word "old" stricken from the books - it's demeaning to all of us who are in our "qualified" years - and old-old is even more shameful - remember -

"For age is opportunity no less
Than youth itself, though in another dress,
And as the evening twilight fades away,
The sky is filled with stars invisible by day." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Morituri Salutamus," 1875

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Retirement News web wanderings - Here's a couple of holiday dieting tips for the ladies from the chick site iVillage.com - the first video is Marilu Henner discussing her new book 'Healthy Holidays' and in the second video - Joy Bauer gives tips on how to keep off the holiday pounds

If you have a few minutes, there's a site worth a visit - butterfly fun facts, shopping, activities, related links and great pictures.

Then check out another "spring-like" site - take a virtual tour of the Lady Bird Johnson Wild-flower Center which has an image gallery with a collection of over 19,000 plant images representing 176 Plant Families and 4,443 individual species - also an "Ask the Expert" feature.

It's the second-leading cause of cancer death in men. Read more on prostate cancer at this site, which has a symptom guide, stats, and treatment options.

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My thanks to retired friend Elam Hickman for sending this -

What are seniors citizens worth? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.

As for myself, I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then.
Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John.
After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day.
However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint.
Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!

P.S. The preacher came by the other day.
He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter.
I told him, 'Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself...'What am I here after?"

Now let's get working on our creative retirement job and a good place to start is to take time to watch some videos - (Go to URL)

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December 13, 2006 - New retirement job survey - it's a guy thing and I'm not old - Just mature

My thanks to retired buddy Bernice Dini for sending this Christmas card to all Retirement News readers.

New stats - Almost half (49 percent) of United States businesses are operated from home according to new U.S. Census Bureau report. .

• More than 6-in-10 owners used their own money to start the business.
• Thirty-one percent of owners were more than 55 years of age.
• 28 percent of all entrepreneurs started or acquired their business with no capital at all.

You can bet the farm these stats would stand up in other industrialized nations, but it's the "age" category I find interesting - 55 plus people have the experience - the knowledge that's marketable - SKY - sell your knowledge.

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It's a guy thing - or is it?

The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine is planning to crown the champion television commercial that - "prey on men's insecurities and shame men for consuming low-fat, healthful items."They have nominated three commercials and have set up an online poll to determine which of the three is the worst.

The contenders:

• Burger King's, where a guy sings I am Man, to the tune of I am Woman.
• TGI Friday's, where a guy eats vegetables, drawing uncomfortable looks from his male pals.
• And the one where a guy is embarrassed to be seen buying tofu, so he runs out to buy a Hummer.

click here to view and vote - if you want to.

And while on this guy thing - this from a woman's website - "A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house."

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Retirement humour - I'm Not Old...Just Mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old...just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take...your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old ... I'm only mature.

Now let's get working on our creative retirement Job - (Go to URL)

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December 14, 2006 - A pain in the B_ _ _ and Brit interactive Christmas recipes

I'm standing at the rear of the community Rec Hall holding on to the back of a chair for support, grimacing in pain.

Everyone else in attendance, retirees all, are gabbing and laughing and generally in good spirits and it occurs to me that although most of them are slouched in their chairs or standing badly, they aren't suffering from teeth-clinching lower back pain like I am.

So what did I do wrong - apparently many things - I'm six out of seven in the non-specific-low-back-pain-cause chart - they call it non-specific because medics have a tough time diagnosing the cause. Anyway, some of the commonest causes of stress and strain on the spine are:

• slouching in chairs - guilty
• driving in hunched positions - guilty
• standing badly - guilty
• lifting incorrectly - guilty
• sleeping on sagging mattresses - OK, buying a new one has been in the works for weeks
• being unfit - guilty by unanimous decision
• generally overdoing it - not guilty by unanimous decision

There's an interesting chapter on back pain at the BBC home site that notes the following -

"Inactivity and the wrong sort of movement are usually at the root of 'simple back pain'.
Inactivity makes the muscles go slack, and become unable to support the back properly. This means it is more vulnerable to damage when certain movements pull too much on one area of your back"

That paragraph received a hearty - "told you so" from the wife - "you spend too much time sitting on your duff at the computer" - my argument of mental exercise falls on deaf ears.

I have promised to get up and move more - it's a New Years resolution right up there with putting in less computer time by cutting back on the Texas Hold 'Em tournaments.

One more thing - that BBC back pain chapter also has a personal back pain plan that will help you keep track of your back problems - gives the Doctor better information and could help you pinpoint triggering factors.

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Regular visitors to this Retirement News Blog know that the BBC website is one of my favourite sites - as soon as the computer warms up - and like many of us that's taking longer every day - it's my first click - they come up with some intriguing stories.

Today, they report how the world's tallest man - 54 year old Mongolian herdsman, Bao Xishun, saved the lives of two dolphins by reaching into their stomachs.

Mr. Xishun, who, according to Guinness World Records, stands 2.36m (7ft 8.95in) tall, being called in by veterinarians to save two dolphins who had lost their appetite and were suffering depression because they were unable to digest some dangerous plastic shards caught in their stomachs.

The heads of the dolphins were held back and towels wrapped around their teeth so Mr. Bao could not be bitten - he then extended his 1.06m-long arm into the mammals' stomachs and pulled out the plastic pieces - both Dolphins are now "in very good condition"

But what I found interesting is their interactive Christmas recipe page - BBC chef's list some of their best Christmas dinner recipes - you click on the starter, main meal, sides dishes and deserts you're interested in, tell them how many people you will be serving and they will supply you with a menu to print plus all the necessary recipes.

Now let's work on our creative retirement job - (Go to URL)

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December 15, 2006 - Retirement News Holiday Break

This is it until the New Year - The Retirement New Blog is taking a break - family members are heading south to join us for a palm tree Christmas and I don't want to be sidetracked by my attempt to maintain a personal "creative" goal of banging out five hundred plus words every weekday or building more websites.

I miss the family during these winter months when we're down here and they're up there. I'm sure many of you understand how, as the retirement years speed by, family gatherings become even more essential to the retiree - I don't want to miss a minute of their time with us.

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Here's another digital Christmas Card for all of you.

This is a PowerPoint presentation - you can download a FREE PowerPoint Viewer here.

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A creative retirement job can get you in on this action - either through eBay or perhaps, Merchant affiliation through your own website - or selling you own existing off-line product line on the Net

According to comScore Networks Inc - Online spending for the holiday season is going gangbusters. Online spending reached $17.6-billion from Nov. 1 through Tuesday, marking a 24 percent increase compared with a year ago.

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We may be retired but Santa's still on the job
Corporate Christmas Memo

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Internet Shopping, Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share.

He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip.
Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose gets red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse.
Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

• The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

• Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

• The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

• The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

• The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

• The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

• The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

• As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

• Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

• Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

• Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses.
Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays all!! - Hope you will return in the New Year (Go to URL)

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