Positive, Productive, Profitable Retirement News

A Retirement News confession - although my plan was to spend my weekend computer time researching material for this Blog and the home website Positive, productive and Profitable Retirement Jobs, the fact is most of my time was spent "screensucking".

According to www.buzzwhack.com that's the new term for wasting time in front of a computer by viewing other sites and watching strange videos rather than concentrating on the task at hand.
Example - "The old(er) retired guy missed his deadline because he spent most of his weekend computer time screensucking."

Therefore, even though the following notes have little or no relationship to retirement issues, I offer up the following screensucking items to help you keep your eye on the ball and save you from falling into this internet trap.

First though, on a number of occasions on the home website and this retirement news Blog, I have promoted the importance of developing a creative challenge during your retirement years that will pop you out of bed in the morning.

In response, a viewer Emailed me the following -

• I found a bunch of mini videos featuring magician Chriss Angel - this one will have you asking "how did he do that"

• This is a great motivational video - I have no idea who produced it but it's beautifully done - you'll have to download but that takes less than a minute and it's well worth it just click your mouse to keep the script moving.

  It's also a Power Point Presentation and if you haven't got a PP viewer you can get one free - Click here

• I may be two days late, but Canada day greetings to all - second largest country in the world but with a population of only 32,569,394 - or to put in another way - an average of nine people per square mile - lot's of room - welcome.

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Retirement humor submitted but not yet posted on the host website's Retirement Humor page

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."

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Not to be outdone by all the Newfie, Redneck, Hillbilly, and Texan jokes - You know you're retired in California when -

Your grandchild's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Both you AND your dog have therapists.

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers

and finally - Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

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Now lets get creative during our retirement years - (Go to URL)

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July 4, 2006 - Retired Doc Hudson sets an example

This old(er) retired guy went to the movies yesterday with his eight year old granddaughter Mackenzie to see Disney/Pixars "Cars" - outstanding - great fun - amazing animation.

Although promotion was aimed at kids, it appeared to me that the adults in the audience were laughing the hardest and most often - I know that little Mac looked at me on several occasions wondering if granddad had slipped over the edge - but you can imagine how lines like this would fly right over little heads -

Dialogue between the Military jeep - Sarge, and the flower-power tattooed Volkswagen van - Fillmore (voiced by George Carlin)

Sarge, in loud military command voice- "Turn down that music."
Fillmore - It's a classic man - thousands of classics."
Sarge- "the 60's weren't kind to you where they?"

I noticed the adults of apparent retirement age and obviously snowbirds, laughed the loudest when Mater the tow truck, voiced in a thick, good ol' boy, southern drawl by Larry the Cable Guy, proclaimed - "I'm happier than a tornado in a mobile home park."

This great piece of family entertainment centers on the importance of family, friends and respect for others and, for me, there was another lesson that ties in with this Blog and the host website

Now stay with me here - I'm may be taking a hard swing at an outside curve ball on this - but the lead character is Lightning McQueen, a cocky, know-it-all, rookie race car. (voiced by Owen Wilson)
Without going into the entire plot, McQueen ends up being tutored by Doc Hudson, a retired 1951 Hudson Hornet, a famous race car in his day who knows all there is to know about winning and living.

Doc ends up passing on his valuable race information to McQueen.
That's the basis for the retirement job opportunities promoted here - you, passing on your work or hobby related experience but instead of one-on-one, you pass it on via the internet - You sell your knowledge.
You don't have to be a computer geek to make it work - again I say, If this old(er) retired guy can do it anyone can, believe me.

At least take the time to research the possibility - here's where I started - downloading and reading this free manual let the pros take care of all the techie stuff.

OK, back to Cars the movie - one other footnote - as Roger Ebert noted in his review -

"The message in "Cars" is simplicity itself: Life was better in the old days, when it revolved around small towns where everybody knew each other, and around small highways like Route 66, where you made new friends, sometimes even between Flagstaff and Winona. This older America has long been much-beloved by Hollywood, and apparently it survives in Radiator Springs as sort of a time capsule."

I'm sure many in the audience who were in their retirement years felt the same way - I did.

A couple of quickies -

• In this day of the ego-driven, cash-hungry pro athlete, it was a sad day yesterday when hockey great and soon-to-be-hall of famer, Steve Yzerman announced his retirement - 22 years with the same team, the Detroit Red Wings, three Stanley cups - one Olympic Gold Medal for Canada - team captain for the past twenty years but the "C" on his sweater also stood for -"Class" - on and off the ice, Stevie Y was just that - a class guy - he will be missed.

• Last night, on the CBC news can you believe, I learned that the bikini is 60 years old - it is not retiring - I hope.

Now to those creative retirement job ideas - (Go to URL)

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July 5, 2006 - Retirement quotations - and the retirement diaries

Something must die in order to grow - your old habits, your old self image, your old thinking, your old life - must be weeded out for the seeds of success to grow.
Doug Firebaugh

Here's the scenario - Charlie is going to retire next Thursday - he's not particularly looking forward to his new life. When asked what he plans to do during his retirement years he just shrugs and says - "golf most days and maybe spend some time with the kids out west."

Our plans miscarry if they have no aim.
When a man does not know what harbor he is making for,
no wind is the right wind.
Seneca

Here's the thing - Charlie loves to garden but his property only allows for a small patch for him to work with - but he helps his neighbours, not only what kind of plants to buy, but also maps out wonderful landscape designs.

But when it's suggested that Charlie follow up his passion during his retirement by selling his knowledge on the internet he simply responds with a - "I can't - don't know a damn thing about that kind of stuff." - yet Charlie spends a great deal of time on his computer searching the internet for gardening information.

First off, if Charlie was an athlete, a sports psychologist would give him a slap on the side of the head for using the word can't - that word should not be in anyone's dictionary.

Why is that when we reach retirement age, many are afraid to push the limits -to try new things - because we fear we don't have enough time left to finish the assignment? Who gives a rat's butt?

It's the "doing"that's the fun - you, your computer and the internet - the possibilities are endless.

We must stand up to old age and make up for its drawbacks by taking pains.........
Nor is it the body only that must be supported, but still more the intellect and the soul for they are like lamps -
unless you feed them with oil, they go out.
Cicero

Now for some retirement humor -

An older couple, married for 41 years, decided to keep diaries when they started their retirement - this is their entries for last Wednesday. -

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he remained quiet and distant. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and stared at the TV. He just really seemed distant. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Now let's get creative during our retirement years - (Go to URL)

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July 6, 2006 - Retirement companion

A retiree's Movie Review -

Simply put, for those of us in our retirement years, Robert Altman's "A Prairie Home Companion" is pure gold.

I'm catching up on this - even though "Companion" has been in big city theaters for a couple of weeks, it just arrived in our town and that's the rub.

At yesterdays matinee I felt I was sitting in a reading room of a small retirement home - the dozen couples in attendance had all celebrated their 65th birthday years ago.

As for the movie itself - no one is strangled, stabbed or shot to death and there are no explosions, car crashes of bazooka firings - plus it's the spoken word not Dolby sound that one must concentrate on - therefore, the young'uns won't give a flicker of interest.
That means, by the rules of modern day Moviedom, this memorial to-the-way-things-used-to-be has a shelve life of a cracked egg.

But "Companion" is a joy - feel good entertainment at its best.
Based on what goes on backstage during the last broadcast of America's most celebrated radio show, it was written by and stars Garrison Keillor, the creator and host of one of America's longest running radio programs.(31 years and counting)

Keillor's script is witty and sharp and because it's Robert Altman behind the camera, the actors are urged to improvise and the combination works brilliantly. - Pay special attention to the commercials - They should have an extra section on the DVD featuring the commercials in their entirety.

Without exception, the actors shine, obviously enjoying the experience, but I understand that's the way it usually goes on an Altman set.

I've been a movie addict since the Saturday afternoon matinees I spent watching John Carroll put on his Zorro Mask. Today, I get my flick fixes at my local Cineplex and renting DVDs - I've only bought two DVD's so far - "Singing in the Rain" and "Chicago" - "A Prairie Home Companion" will be my third.

Just to show you I'm not alone on this, here's a quote from Roger Ebert's review of Companion. - "It is nothing less than an elegy, a memorial to memories of times gone by, to dreams that died but left the dreamers dreaming, to appreciating what you've had instead of insisting on more."

As an extra - some retirement humor taken from Garrison Keillor's companion/ public radio site.

Two retired buddies, Bud and Joe were relaxing on the front porch after a nice dinner Bud's wife had prepared.
"I've been taking this new medicine that's supposed to help me with my memory",said Bud
Joe asks, "Really now? What's it called?"
Bud ponders this for a moment and says "What's the name of that nice smelling flower?"
don't know, Lilac?"
"No"
"Petunia?" continues Joe.
"Nope, that ain't it" says Bud.
"How 'bout Rose?"
"Yeah!, That's it!"

At that point Bud gets up and walks down the porch to the screened front door and yells, "Rose!... Hey Rose! What's the name of that Medicine I'm taking to help me with my memory

Now lets get creative - (Go to URL)

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July 7, 2006 - Retirement health - and a penguins surprise

A couple of notes concerning baby boomers - every day here in Canada, about a thousand Boomers are turning sixty - of course in your country the numbers will be more or less depending on population but the pace will likely be the same.

However, this next stat may not apply in your country, but the way things are going today, I doubt there would little difference.

As they move closer to joining our retirement club, Canadian baby boomers, health wise, are in worse shape than we seniors according to epidemiologist Dr. Janssen, a professor in the School of Physical and Health Education and member of a national expert think tank>

Doc Janssen says - "The number of obese "baby boomers" in Canada today is 60 per cent higher than it was just a decade ago."

The percentage of boomers who smoke is also at twice the rate of seniors (21 per cent compared to 11 per cent) - you can imagine what will happen to the health system if these trends continue.

Also disturbing is that this study predicts that today's baby boomers may become the first generation to see a decline in their health and quality of life - and this is alarming - 80 per cent of them think they will enjoy a longer life expectancy than previous generation. And 58% think their weight has little or no effect on their heart health.

That's the physical health news but what about mental health going into and during retirement?

Another North American study indicates that baby Boomers, tubby smokers or otherwise, want some kind of "Retirement Job" but one that will give them flexibility - being able to work with a schedule that suits their retirement interests and lifestyle - well, hello, what about you, your computer and the internet? Plenty of idea starters on this page of the home website

My thanks to retired buddy Bernice Dini for sending this - got to love it -

A thought for this day of retirement - There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Now, move on and start work on our retirement job - (Go to URL)

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July 10, 2006 - Lest we forget

No retirement stuff this morning - I just wish I could return to action to report on what is going on.

With deep regret, one of my first assignments this morning was to change a number listed on the Connect to Canada page of the home website

Yesterday, Cpl. Anthony Joseph Boneca, 21, a reservist from the Lake Superior Scottish Regiment based in Thunder Bay, Ontario, was killed and two others wounded in a firefight as coalition troops continue trying to sweep Taliban insurgents from an area west of Kandahar City - 17 Canadian soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan as our young men and women continue to play a major role within the NATO coalition force.

God bless them all.

This particular operation - Mountain Thrust - is not receiving the media attention it deserves.

Some 10,000 Canadian, British, American and Afghan forces (more than 3,000 Brit reinforcements are on the way) are attempting to dislodge the Taliban from an area where they have been launching numerous attacks against government and civilian targets.

Also, an explosion Saturday in western Afghanistan killed a Peruvian solder and slightly wounded four Spanish troops.

Lets us not forget those who have fought and died in the war on terror - and we are not alone - About 80 different countries are part of the coalition and represented in the US Centcom in Tampa, Florida.

(Go to URL)

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July 11, 2006 - Creative retirement - here's to Rose

As noted in my retirement job journal I found this "you/your computer/the internet" creative retirement challenge strictly by chance - I knew zip about developing a website, let alone several - never heard terms like "keywords" - "search engine optimization" - "niche" and all that other internet lingo.

But, I was directed to Site Build it (SBI) created by Montreal Doctor Ken Envoy. The reason I bring this up again is because of a fourteen page ad in Wired magazine for web hosting - 1&1.com and it occurred to me, that if I had gone with them I wouldn't have lasted a year because they offer no roadmap - no learning curve - there is no way anyone like myself with little or no knowledge of Ecommerce could survive.

Before or during retirement - "you/your computer/the internet" offers a wonderful creative opportunity that can also develop into a thriving, profitable business. I am living proof that SBI is web hosting that works.

It is the only step-by-step system of software tools that takes you by the hand and shows you the way through the entire process - brainstorming, web building - marketing - it's all there.

If you have ever entertained the thought of building a website centered on something you love and are passionate about - go for it. At least take the time to take a tour of SBI and learn how they give you a roadmap to success while they take care of all the techie freight thereby allowing you to concentrate on what you know and love - the creative challenge that makes your life more interesting the longer you live.

By the way, those of you who have a better understanding of how the internet works, SBI, can help you increase productivity - simply put - newbie or pro, SBI is the way to go

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And while on the subject of developing a creative challenge regardless of age, my thanks to retired friend Bernice Bernie for sending this - great story as told by an unnamed college grad -

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.
She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.

"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.
She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids..."
"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.
After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went.
She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At! the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet.
I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.
Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight

Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."

She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose."
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.
At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that - it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

It's never too late so let's get creative - (Go to URL)

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July 12, 2006 - Computer retirement - Fred and Edna

So here I am, an old(er) retired guy with a two day growth of fuzz on my face,, sitting at the computer touring the internet, wearing my favorite time-worn tee shirt and frayed shorts combination, piping in XM satellite radio, listening to "Besame Mucho" by the Jimmy Dorsey band from the 40's and working on the many creative challenges my websites offer up and I'm as happy and contented as a Canadian beaver in a rain forest.

But it occured to me that perhaps I should have given a short preamble to yesterdays entry before urging you to take the Quick Tour of SBI

If you are retired and have the financial means to carry you through retirement that's one thing, but if you're in need of extra income right away then Ecommerce is not the "right now" answer. - a home based business via the internet takes a great deal of determination, patience and self-discipline - you're in for the long haul - and don't let the scam sharks on the internet tell you otherwise.

If you are still a year or two away from retirement and you start this venture as a creative sideline - you're in the best of both worlds, because your website(s) should be paying off by the time you tell your boss to -"Take this job and ------"

Don't get me wrong, it's a happy hoot to cash Google and affiliate cheques but I've found that the main benefit is not the money, but the concentration, focusing, organizing, writing - the very learning experience itself that helps keep the mind active and alert.

Keeping mentally active is critically important as we age and I found that my computer and the internet was the answer - you have a computer - you're connected to the internet - it costs nothing to take a Quick Tour of SBI

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My thanks to retired friend Dan Dombroski for sending this -

A retired couple, Fred and Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Now, let's get creative - (Go to URL)

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July 13, 2006 - Retirees and their computers - more web wandering

Came across an article while cruising the web that certainly puts the kibosh on the theory that computers and the internet are only for the young.

The LA times ran a story about a senior computer group out there in La La land that has more than 900 members with more signing on every day - the youngest is 66 and the oldest is in HER nineties.

Computer experience ranges from the "just curious" with no computer background to full-fledged nerds who have a computer at home, a laptop in the RV and another computer in their second home.

The groups president, 76 year old Joe Schwarz says - "It's unbelievable how these elderly folks take to computers."
Joe adds - "It keeps them doing something interesting, keeps them from being lonely."

"I gave myself a computer for my 88th birthday," Isadore Markin said. "I'm a babe in the woods now."

An interesting sidebar incorporated into the story - computers and love - one recently married member met his spouse when he called a computer help line and hit it off with the technician.

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Other items from a recent web wandering -

• This July week in 1939, Frank Sinatra recorded his first record singing - "From the Bottom of My Heart" and "Melancholy Mood" with the Harry James Band.
• For you younger folks, also in this July week - 1955 - Pat Boone recorded his first hit song - "Ain't that a Shame."
• A movie site informed me that ten years before Frank made that recording, Mickey Mouse uttered his first words - "hot dogs" hot Dogs" - in the short The Karnival Kid
• According to the Answer Bank web site - a group of owls is called a parliament.
• Non-Dairy creamer is highly flammable.
• "Summer" is the 139th most popular name for baby girls - "Autumn" is 76th - according to the baby name wizard neither "Spring" or "Winter" ranks in the top 1,000 names.
• And finally this one from Health.MSN.com The "brain freeze" you get from eating ice cream too quickly is the result of your body overheating because it thinks your brain is freezing, thus causing an ice-cream headache - is my imagination or does the pain increase with age?
  The cure - press your tongue hard against the roof of your mouth.

  Not let us retirees with computers get creative - (Go to URL)

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July 14, 2006 - Notations and pictures from the Retirement News Notebook

I understand that Zidane, the French soccer star is now retired so that makes this next entry legal for a Retirement News Blog

My thanks to my nearly-retired friend Bill McKay for sending me this - clever stuff and so true -

The Zidane incident as seen by the Germans:

As seen by the French:

As seen by the Italians:

As seen by the Americans:

As reported by the press:

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"Jihads" are nothing new - I recently visited an Australian seniors site and came across an intriguing story written by 70 year old John Woods about a "holy War" 91 years ago -

"Many readers may not be aware that for Australians, the first shots of WW1 - the 'Great War' were fired in Broken Hill Australia. The story goes like this:

In 1915 Sultan Resat 'the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire' called for a Jihad (Holy War) against the 'enemies' of the Empire to all Muslims.

Two men in Broken Hill Australia, Gul Badsha Muhammet (40) and Molla Abdullah (60) who had emigrated to Australia many years before, heard this call and responded. Gul was a butcher and Molla sold ice-creams.

From the red cloth of Abdullah's ice-cream cart they prepared an Ottoman flag. They hung their rifle shells across their chests and placed a prayer book against their hearts.

Four kilometres out of Broken Hill they waited for a train which they thought would be carrying soldiers. Around ten o'clock the train appeared and the first bullets of the Great War sang their way to the train.

Regrettably and tragically none of the people in the train were soldiers. The train was filled with 1200 people going from Broken Hill to Silverton for the celebrations of the new year.

Within a few minutes two were killed and seven were injured by the fire from these two men. The ensuing three hour gun battle resulted in Molla Abdullah being shot to death by a bullet from the rifle of a civilian. Gul Muhammed died from his wounds a few hours later in the Broken Hill hospital."

But here is what impressed me - talk about a creative challenge during retirement - here's a classic example - John Woods, with cooperation from a young Turkish friend, has built his own website dedicated to all those who fought and died during the 'Gallipoli Campaign'

This obvious labour of love has a library full of fascinating material - pictures, eyewitness accounts, audio files - a wonderful example of what you can build for world-wide distribution when you're passionate about your subject.

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As I write this, XM Satellite Radio - channel four - just took me back to 1945 - this July week of that year, the top three hit songs were -

1. Sentimental Journey - Les Brown Orchestra with Doris Day
2. On The Atchison, Topeka, and the Santa Fe - Johnny Mercer
3. There! I've Said It Again - Vaughn Monroe

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And we end the week on this note from my retired friend Denise Dini -

"A Woman"

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud, the book where all of the sayings and preaching of Rabbis are conserved over time.

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears.
The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal.
Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

But to work my friends, let all those now retired and those soon to be, get creative. - (Go to URL)

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July 17, 2006 - A retired guy is the "creative" winner

A retired mechanical designer, Jim Guigli, who lives in the Sacramento suburb of Carmichael California, is the 2006 winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

For the uninitiated , this competition, whose slogan is - "Where WWW means Wretched Writers Welcome," is a literary parody contest in honour of the memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873).
The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels.

Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834) Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night.".

Retired or otherwise, you should give it a try - I have listed the site on my - Links of Interest page on the host website

I've been trying for the past three years to come up with something worthy enough to compete, but so far - zip - however, fellow retiree Jim Guigli - "displayed appalling powers of invention by submitting sixty entries to the 2006 Contest, including one that has been "honored" in the Historical Fiction category."

"My motivation for entering the contest," Jim confesses, "was to find a constructive outlet for my dementia."

Here's Jim's winning opening line -

" Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean."

Here are a couple of past winners -

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarous tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong, clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal."

--Steven Garman, Pensacola, Florida - 1984

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She wasn't really my type, a hard-looking but untalented reporter from the local cat box liner, but the first second that the third-rate representative of the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of old Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and, humming "The Twelfth of Never," I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth."

--Wm. W. "Buddy" Ocheltree, Port Townsend, Washington (1993 Winner)

For the complete list - here's the contest's "Lyttony of Grand Prize Winners."

Now, let us start work on our creative retirement plan - (Go to URL)

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July 18, 2006 - The retirement hot box and Striker and Debi are winners

The dog days of summer - and lately it's been a mother of a hot dog - too hot for us northern GOTY's (getting older, thinking younger)

I can hear my retired buddies in Florida saying - "welcome to our world" but you guys are accustomed to this heat - retired northerners operate best in the 50 to 75 degree range, that's why we burn rubber heading south in late October and race back home at the end of April.

By the way, the phrase "dog days of summer" refers to the time frame that runs from July3rd to August 11 - according to factmonster.com the dog is supposed to run 20 days before to 20 days after the conjunction of Sirius (the dog star) and the sun.

And while I'm passing out trivia type stuff here's another useless piece of information I jotted down while visiting the guinnessworldrecords.com - A border collie, named striker holds the Guinness world record for the fastest time a dog has unwound a non-electric car window - 11.34 seconds - another Canadian world record holder - Striker lives in Quebec and I think he's retired. city.

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Just for the record - J.D. Salinger's "Catcher in the Rye" was published 55 years ago this week - I was 23 at the time..

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I've just added a new entry on the travel websites page on the home site

Another example of how you can build a creative retirement job via the internet, by telling folks around the world about your home region.

That's exactly what Debi Painter has done. Not having a clue about Ecommerce or building a website and, following a costly first step mistake, Debi took the time to research and learn and has built a site jammed packed with information about her home community of Lake Havasu City, Arizona. - the place that imported London Bridge.

But Debi has come up with a real winner - she's in negotiations with a company that wants to buy her business - that doesn't happen too often - but, you never know - it could happen to you.

For more retirement job ideas - (Go to URL)

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July 19, 2006 - Retirement with eBay and a retiree's golf list

Want an creative retirement job that with plenty of research, planning and patience can, over time, earn a nifty profit?

Reconsider eBay.

The stats are impressive - granted these are Canadian statistics but I would think that even with different numbers the results would be close to being the same in your country.

According to eBay Canada, one out of two Canadians online last year visited their auction market -According to comScore Media Metrix, the popularity of the eBay auction site climbed by 22% from May 05 to May 06 and on a global scale, stats suggest that the number of people earning all or part of their income on eBay almost doubled, with more than 750,000 people relying on eBay sales to earn their total income.

It's a ballooning new underground economy as more people are running home businesses on eBay - it would be interesting to know what the percentage of the eBay population are GOTY's. (getting older, thinking younger)

I was asked the other day if it's too late to get in on the action - is eBay saturated?

I'm hardly an expert, plus my eBay site, The WWfamily on eBay. has been inactive for over a month now, but I would suggest that eBay is a marketing mammoth that can't be stopped - it's rolled over competition from the likes of Yahoo and Microsoft and hear this - in the first quarter of 2006, PayPal (eBay's financial arm) transferred nearly $9 billion in payments - a 41 percent increase over the same quarter last year.

Another important advantage for eBay - customer trust - there's been a lot of noise about internet fraud but nothing with eBay attached -their huge fraud staff keeps a tight rein on what goes on. Therefore their huge customer base is loyal and consistent.

eBay is a perfect fit for the retirement club - whether you use it on an occasional basis, as we do, or open up an eBay store - but remember, as it is with any Ecommerce venture - take the time to do your research before you make your move - You'll find the opening lessons here.

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Why a retiree thinks golf is better than sex (edited from David Letterman top 10 list)

• A below par performance is considered damn good.
• You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
• You can still make money doing it as a senior.
• Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
• If you live in Florida , you can do it almost everyday.
• You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
• If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

But when you're not on the golf course you want to be at your computer working on your creative retirement job - (Go to URL)

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July 20, 2006 - Retirement chuckles

Thanks to retired buddy Jim Hill - Another fun bit from Saturday night live.

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My thanks to daughter-in-law Julie for sending the following -

They had been married for nearly 45 years but the wife passed away at the age of 62.
At the end of the funeral service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for five more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said -
"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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When our pets reach retirement age -

Have a great day and for more retirement humor - (Go to URL)

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July 21, 2006 - Visualization and a washing for a safe and positive retirement

It was like being snapped on the ass by a wet towel but not as painful - a sudden realization - what the hell am I doing? - then I visualized the rainbow road.

I was driving south on the 400, the main highway to Toronto from the north, when I noticed the car behind me was about to goose my car's tail pipe - I hate tailgaters - road vermin all of them. So I flashed my left signal, hit the pedal and moved into the center lane.

I'm now doing about 18 clicks over the limit and I feel like I'm in a parking lot - on my left, a steady stream of cars were flashing by me as if my car's wheels were spinning in mud.

Sidebar - two observations - in the majority of the zip-by vehicles the driver was the only occupant and the preponderance of drivers were female - no disrespect here -just thought it interesting that women have adapted the hard-charging driving style that seems to be a commuter norm nowadays - I always thought women were more sensible than men when it comes to issues like self preservation.

Anyway, the next thing I know, I'm questioning the ancestry of the driver in front of me who, I feel, is personally taken upon himself to stop me from my appointed rounds, so I blinker my intentions and sneak into the left "passing" lane - now I'm about 25 click over the limit - I'm hooked - I'm back into the commuter groove.

For about twenty miles I'm movin' man - I feel like I'm driving in the Winston Cup but I'm keeping my "two-car length" distance from the car in front of me - still, I'm now more than 30 click over and then - a quick glance in my rear-view mirror and there she is - about to kiss my bumper - another tailgater - a high speed tailgater - the worst kind of road vermin - that's when this retired old guy scared himself into visualizing the rainbow road. - I was once of them - now, I feel sorry for those who travel the fast lane - they'll miss so much - just as I did for so many years.

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And while on the subject of taking the time to smell the roses - thanks to retired friend Bernie Deni for sending the following -

A little girl had been shopping with her grandmother in Target.
She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout.
We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day.
I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Gran let's run through the rain," she said.
"What?" her grandmother asked
"Lets run through the rain!" She repeated.
"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,"
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Gran, let's run through the rain,"
"We'll get soaked if we do"
"No, we won't, Gran. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her grandmother's arm.
This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?
"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Poppa about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

The grandmother paused and thought for a moment about what she would say.
Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said.

But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,"

Then off they ran.
We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles.
They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case.
They got soaked.
But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories.

So, don't forget to slow down, make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven - take the time to run through the rain.

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Just entered a new listing on the home business idea page of the home Retirement Jobs website.

I interviewed Christine Albury, a mother of four, lives in the Bahamas and who developed a successful website centered on a subject she was passionate about.
Like many of us, Christine had only "internet surfing" computer skills and knew nothing about Ecommerce, but in less than a year is now cashing monthly cheques.

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Have a great weekend and be sure to spend time building a creative retirement - (Go to URL)

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July 24, 2006 - Lest we forget

No retirement news items today - only one item - as sadly, once again, I had to change the "war on terror" honour roll numbers on the Connect2Canada page of the home website.

Two Canadian soldiers, Cpl. Francisco Gomez, 44, from Edmonton and Cpl. Jason Warren, 29, of Montreal - died when a car, driven by a fanatical suicide bomber and packed with explosives, blew up beside their armoured vehicle - eight other soldiers were injured in the attack that occurred as their unit was returning to home base after two weeks of fighting Taliban insurgents west of Kandahar, Afghanistan.

Their commander, Col. Ian Hope, said Sunday that both of the slain soldiers would have wanted their families to understand how they died while trying to bring security to the vulnerable people of southern Afghanistan and to insure that terrorist groups can no longer use that country to establish training camps -

"They would want their families, they would want their brothers and sisters in arms to hear what kind of operation unfolded that they were part of - the incremental successes that we've had.
That's the context within which they would like their sacrifice to be remembered, I have no doubt."

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They are dead; but they live in each Patriot's breast,
And their names are engraven on honor's bright crest.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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(Go to URL)

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July 25, 2006 - Retirement Email

From the retirement News Inbox -

Thanks to "I'm-not-ready-to-retire-yet" former newsroom colleague Bill Mckay for this intriguing mind teaser - when you want to take a break from your creative retirement job take a minute to visit here and follow the instructions - if you can figure out how they do it, let us know.

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Retirement Safety

Thanks to retired friend Elma Hickman who sent this - haven't tried it myself yet, but makes sense, especially for seniors -

Elma says - "Here's a good tip that I got from a neighborhood watch coordinator.

When someone is trying to get into your house, or if you hear a noise outside your house, keep your car keys next to your bed on the night stand and just press the panic alarm on your car.
It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key chain."

A lot of burglars will cut your telephone line before breaking in so this is a real good idea.

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An Ecommerce associate of mine, Scott Stratten, has produced a lovely mini-movie that will make you stop and think - it's based on a poem by Linda Ellis called "The Dash. It's all about how we spend our lives between the day we are born to the day we pass away. The Dash Movie

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My thanks to retired Florida friend Dan Dombroski for sending this as an addition to the retirement humor pages of the home website.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are visiting their grandparents and are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the grandmother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Gran, I guess I'll have some Cheerios"

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his grandmother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His Gran locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

Have a great day and here are a few more chuckles from the retirement humor chapter of the host website - (Go to URL)

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July 26, 2006 - The retirement and old age stereotype

If you're in your retirement years, I want you to think back your late middle years - did you have trouble resigning yourself to old age? Did you just assume that as you grow older you would suffer from memory loss?

Psychologists reporting in the journal Social Cognition, surveyed a group of folks in their late middle years who immediately underperformed on a standard memory test when they were told the study in which they were participating would also include people over 70 years go age - apparently that bit of news seemed to freak them out.

The researchers call this reaction - a stereotype effect - it's be documented in other studies - an indirect reminder of growing old and suffering from what they believe will happen to them in their old age - this assumed link between age and mental decline.
Amazing as it may seem, studies show that even people over 65 slump on memory tests when they are reminded of the memory-age stereotype.

Human development and family studies Professor C.E. Barber of Colorado State University offers these quick facts -

• Serious memory loss is not an inevitable part of aging.
• The shallowest level of memory is called sensory memory, which holds information, vision, hearing, taste, touch and smell.
• Short-term memory information remains in consciousness about 15 seconds and is not recalled unless it is transferred to and stored in long-term memory.
• Age appears to have no effect on the capacity of long-term memory.

Professor Barber also offers this suggestion for memory maintenance - "Keep mentally fit. Stay active doing things that require the use of memory taking classes, writing, drawing, painting, playing a musical instrument, making pottery, doing crossword puzzles, playing chess or cards, teaching, debating".

May I add - you, your computer and the internet - memory maintenance for retirement living and - the"Creative Retirement Economy" - more on that tomorrow.

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Here's another video from not-ready-to-retired buddy Bill McKay - interesting - video a little shaky but take a look at your car of the future - it's a clip from a BBC TV programme.

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My thanks to retired Florida friend Denise Dini for sending this piece for the retirement humor page of the home website.

A guy, decades away from retirement, shopping in a supermarket, noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

Do not trust all little Old Ladies

Now let's get creative - (Go to URL)

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July 27, 2006 - The new creative retirement economy

New retirement stats -

A survey conducted by The Strategic Counsel for BMO Financial Group between May 24, 2006 and June 5, 2006 revealed that baby boomers are generally happy but pre-boomers (age 60+) are happier - as a matter of fact - pre-boomers are overwhelmingly satisfied with their lives (96%) with 56% very satisfied and another 40% say they are somewhat satisfied.

But here's the surprising numbers - this "State of the baby Boomers" report indicates that many baby boomers are having trouble balancing the books - most are in debt (73%) - only 28 per cent of boomers say they have savings and investments of $100,000 or more.
Almost one-in-five boomers who have not yet retired (19%), say they have no savings.

The study goes on to say that boomers are greatly concerned about their own future.
Only 28 per cent of respondents are very confident that they will be financially secure in old age compared to 41 per cent of those under 40 years of age and 47 per cent 60 years and older.
A third of boomers (32%) believe their standard of living is likely to drop in retirement, compared to 16 per cent of younger generation.

"Given the changing nature of retirement, particularly concerning longevity, it's no surprise that boomers are somewhat unsettled by what the future holds," said Tina Di Vito, BMO Financial Group's Retirement Planning expert. "This is uncharted territory, so it's all the more important for boomers to start considering a variety of contingencies and lifestyle choices today. The key is to start reflecting on the range of options."

Another survey, this one by the international bank HSBC shows that boomers are making different kind of plans in their late careers than people from earlier generations

Rather than retiring, many are seeking ''retirement jobs.'' - jobs that will allow them to earn money but have some flexibility in time, place or duties and this survey also indicates boomers expect to rely more on their own ability to support their retirement.

However, this HSBC study shows that only 30 percent of employers offer older workers opportunities to work fewer hours - many still push older worker out the door, saying they cost more than younger workers.

That leads me to question whether creativity may be the economic key for these soon-to-be-retired boomers as well as those already retired who could use extra income.

Once again I promote what I call "the creative economy for retirement."

A creative economy is defined as _

"an economy where economic activity depends on creativity or innovation to generate wealth.
Specifically, it's that additional input of a creative or innovative spark that produces value."

You - your computer and the internet - sell your knowledge - work with what you know and are passionate about - a world wide audience is waiting to hear from you.

Many retirees and soon-to-be-retirees turn away from the potential of the creative retirement economy, claiming they know zip about building a website - welcome to club - I was a complete beginner - I still don't understand all the internet and HTML techie stuff - I let Site Build It handle all that while I work on research and web material.

If you visit the host site, you'll learn how other newbie's have succeeded in the creative retirement economy following the same step-by step-roadmap but to different destinations - some selling information, others building affiliate sites - drop shipping sites - Ebook sites etc.

Again, remember, that the learning experience itself is invaluable in making your life more interesting the long you live. Here's some more examples of those taking advantage of the creative retirement economy - (Go to URL)

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July 28, 2006 - Laura's story and Grandma's Apron

Unfortunately it's a fact that many people dismiss the idea of developing a website and participating in the internet's creative economy because they feel the whole business is as understandable as acupuncture.

Not so IF they would just take the time to do a little research - example, download and print the free SBI action guide.

It's because of this trepidation towards technology, that I like to report on folks who build a successful web presence even though they started out with limited computer and Ecommerce skills.

So, another Email interview for retirement news - I just listed on the Cooking Recipes page of the home website, another example of how, through research, patience and determination, a person with little or no knowledge of Ecommerce, can be successful in this new creative retirement internet economy.

Laura Warnke, wanted to stay home with her son which meant she had to find a way to make up the loss of salary - with only basic computer skills and no Ecommerce or website knowledge, Laura spent nearly three months researching before making any decisions - she started with eBay, bought her first site in July of 05 - her second in December of 05 - the third site is now in development.

"I really like the fact that my website makes sales while I sleep. It is a pretty good feeling to wake up and have made a sale or people have clicked on your advertisements, making you money while you sleep"

Check out Laura's story

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For this old(er) retired guy, this piece I've taken from the Canadian Snowbirds Association Magazine brought back many pleasant memories - no credit given as to the author -

Grandma's Apron

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath but, along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.
And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.
After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew that it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so any purposes.

There was this follow-up piece - Remember how Grandma used to set her hot, baked apple pie on the window sill to cool?
Her granddaughters today now set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

Have a great weekend and for you the following - Beauty for your eyes to see, Confidence for when you doubt, Faith so that you can believe, Courage to know yourself, Patience to accept the truth - see you Monday (God willing - all seniors say that) - now let's get creative - (Go to URL)

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July 31, 2006 - Retirement news - happy Canucks - The royals and merry olde England.

Retired or otherwise, it appears we Canadians are a happy lot - not too happy - just 10th place happy.

This is from a survey conducted by researcher Adrian White, an analytic social psychologist at the University of Leicester, who examined the well-being of people in 178 countries to develop a world map of happiness.

We Canadians are just behind the happier folks of Negara Brunei Darussalam, wherever in hell that is.

The happiest people live in Denmark according to this study that was published in Britain's New Scientist magazine.
I don't hold these "happy" surveys as the be-all and end-all - back in 99, the London School of Economics declared Bangladesh the happiest nation in the world, followed by jovial countries such as Ghana, Latvia, Croatia and Estonia.

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My thanks to retired buddy Jim Hill for the following pics -
Question - did Prince Philip, who is of retirement age, allow a royal fart - study the royal faces closely - any senior knows that look -

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Received an interesting Email from internet associate Rachel Anderson who's adventure into Ecommerce I chronicled on the home website.
Since that posting, Rachel has built a second Ecommerce site to go along with her eBay store.

Anyway, Rachel offers this intriguing lhistory lesson -

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

• Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June.
  However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
  Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

• Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
  The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
  Last of all the babies.
  By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
  Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

• Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
  When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
  Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

• There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
  This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
  Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
  That's how canopy beds came into existence.

• The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
  Hence the saying, Dirt poor.
  The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
  As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.
  A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
  Hence the saying a thresh hold.

  (Who says you can't learn new stuff as you grow older)

• In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
  Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
  They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
  Sometimes the stew had ingredients that had been there for quite a while.

  Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

• Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
  When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
  It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.
  They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

• Those with money had plates made of pewter.
  Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
  This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

• Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

• Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
  Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
  Hence the custom of holding a wake.

• England, a small island they soon started running out of places to bury people.
  So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.
  When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
  So, they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
  Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.

And so ends Rachel's history lesson for today - now you're all set for the next senior's trivia contest.

Have a happy day and let's get to work on our creative retirement job - (Go to URL)

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